before i turn another year older

Browsing around my Facebook, I was trying to find when was the year I got married..yup the dates didn't quite stick to my brain after all :)

…and no I didn't actually find it and too lazy to grab my wedding ring to check…

I found this, the About Me section:-

I wrote

much awaits
a destiny precedes
a life un-ridden
the future forbidden
to ride the wild horses
to unleash life exuberantly
to live and breathe
to face the fiery storms
and go against all odds
to have it all
to be who i am called to be

I think it was probably more than 10 years ago that I wrote this? 
Reflecting back, I am amazed at myself. The maturity, the passion, the faith, the hope..all in the heart of a young teenage girl.

Life is all about choices and perspective. 

And heck it sure ain't easy growing up :) I have had my fair share of life's experiences for the past 27 (or is it 28?) years of living. In a couple of days time, I will be turning another year's chapter of life. Reminding me the day that I was born into this world.

I am now a working adult and a wife. Still a daughter, a sister and a friend. :)

Life brings about challenges in all aspects, in terms of career / family / social / spiritual. I am not ashamed to say that I have my setbacks, my weakness, my imperfections in every aspect of life. I am on a journey and will always have something to work on. On some aspects, it may just take me an entire lifetime but this doesn't mean I shouldn't try.

I don't always get things right the first time nor the second time or even the third! Realising this enables me to give second chances a little bit more. Everyone is on their journey in life. 

Having an open mind and heart allows me to live life simpler, not to judge too quickly (I am still working on it) and to try to love a little bit more.

Dealing with people ain't never easy, with all the variability only God knows the hearts. 

This season of my life and so will every season onwards, I will be learning and re-learning and working on this aspect. The more you grow up in life, the more variabilities of people that you have to deal with. The more thought that has to be put into it and most of all the more heart that is required to keep things real and sincere...

2nd CT scan updates!

It was a great relief to know that the 2nd CT scan was better than the first! :D

God's been great!

During the 1st CT scan something small was detected in Pavel's lungs but the doc mentioned that it should just be a residual from the side effects of chemo. So we left it aside and thank God for His peace that really kept our smiles on our faces :)

Life's just so real in a sense knowing the nagging fact that cancer could just strike us back anytime. But His grace is sufficient which has enabled and empowered us through this season of life! I know I keep repeating about God's grace but yea it is the fact that I never grow tired of it, simply because it is what that keeps us going =) I thank God that His grace never grew tired of us too!!

So yup for the 2nd CT scan the small stuff in the lungs were completely gone! YAY! Praise the Lord!!

What a journey life has been for the both of us and His grace never fails to amaze me :)

Our lives has been blessed with amazing people in it!

our own nest

It's been awhile since I updated this place...

A lot has happened which has took up my time :)

We got ourselves a new place to call home now and we're slowly building it.

The frantic rush of getting everything into some order while enjoying each day as it comes by leaves me not much time to write

Really delighted that Pavel is really progressing well :D His hair is growing pretty fast! What used to be a fuzzy head just a few weeks back is now covered with dark seemingly black hair =)

Looking out my squeaking clean window (which was thoroughly cleaned twice!) I see a renaissance style  building which I can never mistaken myself that I'm in Prague. It has been 5 months since we came back to Czech Republic and the 6th month has already begun...time has literally flew us by with all the ongoings.

My life would be able to make a pretty good movie one day :) or maybe a book...

Who would have ever thought that I would have started a newly married life while not even two weeks into in and I'll be fighting cancer at the same time starting a new life in a country where English is not widely used and than building up our first nest altogether!
It's even a  mouthful to say it all in a sentence :)

What a journey it has been!
To have faced a glimpse of the reality of death
To have faced disappointments
To be one of the very few and in fact first among the circle of my friends to fight cancer
To adapt and change at all levels
To once again start from ground zero
To laugh and cry from deep within
To love like there's no tomorrow
To be able to smile each day because of a wonderful man in my life
To experience the amazing grace in my life
Oh what a journey it has been!

And now after all these, here I am eager to start off a new life =) once again!
Excited to build our very first home together with the man who captured my heart and has never stop being amazing :)

God has been awesome to have bless us with this new place where we can build our lives together :)
Although it was a really long and hard search! It was worth it =)

My parents has been really awesome and supportive :D They brought us lots of stuff from home totaling 75kgs! =D
I was close to moving my whole room to Prague ;) but mostly it was food stuff, chinese herbs for Pavel and myself and all the other 101 things that I wanted ;D


Although sometimes I do wish that I would have a different life story but I would never trade it up for any other story than this =)

Will get around posting pictures of our room soon :)

Living My Dreams!

in Prague

Our journey continues in life =)

Now after 4 months in Czech Republic, we are finally in Prague! =)

Although our temp flat is crappy but it's still the best place with my darling around ;D

Only reason why I'm writting now is that I'm badly sick..just recovered last week and now the bug got the better of me again...totally not used to the weather here just yet...since now we gotta do a lot of walking and all..just reminds me of my Uni life back in Glasgow

Pavel is doing well =D he's just down a bit with sore throat but he's doing good still =) I guess he's immune system is more suited to this environment than mine XD

We are still in the quest of hunting down our semi-permanent flat ..since we're gonna be renting it..it only become 'permanent'when we buy it ;)

There are always a lot of facades in life
Things that we may never comprehend
Things we would always wonder
The questions of why can never be completed
And that's how faith grows
That's how trust builds
Through life with all it's intricacies =)

Our Wedding Web :)

120 days!

A lil' note that I posted on FB:
120 days seem like a long time...
but we have lived it through together
120 days...if anyone would have told me what was installed
i wouldn't have thought it was possible 
to keep the smile 
to keep the faith
but hey 120 days
we have lived it through together =)
Pavel Bednar
ps: i didn't count :p http://fionnawyandpavel.ourwedding.com/

It was really nice to visit our wedding website again :) and it keeps track for me on how many days we've been married!

How lovely it was and how lovely it is! ;D

I'm already thinking about doing something in one of our anniversaries :D Gonna be fun!
I just love parties! And organizing one is just as much fun! :)

Oh now I've moved up to The Nest instead of The Knot :) A really handy website =)

Looks pretty much like me :)

BEP Regimen

Bleomycin, Etoposide & Cisplatin Regimen

Short overview on the drugs.


Bleomycin
- anti-tumor antibiotics
- destroys the DNA
- Major side effect: Affects the skin (hyperpigmentation) & lungs due to low ability to degrade it. About 10% of people suffer from lung toxicity.
- aka the Shake & Bake Bleo - unless you premedicate before taking Bleo, you are gonna be experiencing shivers & chatters due to chills and followed by a hike in temperature. Pre-medication: paracetamol/benadryl/tylenol - these are known to work really well :)



Etoposide
- acts by inhibiting topoisomerase (an enzyme that assist in cell duplication)
- Major side effect: Decrease in white blood cell: lowest point on Day 10 - Day 14. Recovers within 3 weeks.


Cisplatin
- platinum based drug
- disrupts the DNA of the cell and inhibits it from replicating
- Major side effect: kidney toxicity

General Side Effects of BEP:
Nausea & vomiting - ensure you take the anti-emetics prescribed & drink loads of fluid

Fever & chills - especially after Blemoycin is given. Apart from that, do let your doctor know about it. Paracetamol can be taken in this case. Ensure proper rest after taking bleomycin, not even short walks even if you feel fine, it will just quicken the side effect of it. Keep warm and drink loads of fluids.

Fatigue - as treatment progresses, this may just get worst. Get plenty of rest and have short walks. Short walks will help. Pavel had it during his Day 6 - 9, after that it was not too bad. Walks helped him a lot.

Weight gain - increase in appetite due to dexamethasone (steroid) and also tendency to munch. Increase intake of fiber and have low calorie snacks to munch on.

Weight loss - make sure you have adequate food intake. And maximize your calories, especially if you don't have any appetite to eat. Pavel's losing weight even though he's eating a lot!

Sore mouth - ensure good oral hygiene. Brush gently after each meal with a soft toothbrush and rinse with salt water.

Hair loss - 3 to 4 weeks into the treatment during Cycle 1. And may be completely lost. Good news! It's just temporary =) it will grow back after treatment. Pavel started losing his hair on Day 17.

Constipation - due to the anti-emetics. Ensure lots of fluid intake and fiber (physillum husk is good). I make sure Pavel have his bowel movements daily, so that all the toxic waste is removed. So I give him lots of cooked veggies, oats, yogurt, physillum. No problem with it now :)

Diarrhea - make sure adequate fluid intake to replenish the body. If it's more than 2 days, do consult your doctor. And do replenish with oral rehydrating salts.

Sore eyes - may be dry, become reddish, discomfort. Artificial tears may help.

Bone aches - try a hot bath and always keep yourself warm. Ibuprofen is good for bone aches. To have a good sleep, take ibuprofen and a sedative. Pavel had a night or two with terrible bone aches and body aches, after the ibuprofen and sedative, he managed to sleep. Please consult with your doctor first.


I have covered in brief since Pavel only had 2 cycles of BEP, the side effects aren't too bad. Now we're in Cycle 2 Day 18 and he's doing good :)

Usual side effects are tires out quickly and muscle ache, we are now SLOWLY building up his body again. Simple exercises such as walking and supplements.

I do believe in taking supplements but not on a daily basis. Supplements should be like your food intake, you don't eat the same veggie everyday, so why take a supplement everyday? It's just my rational ;D

Calcium and Magnesium have shown to aid the body. So I did give Pavel these two supplements off and on.

There's quite a lot of reading to do on it when you want to optimize chemo treatment with supplements...because there are thoughts that it will aid the cancer cells thus bringing more harm than good...so if you need some advise I can shed some light onto it and it would be best to consult your oncologist still :)

I think the best is taking in RDA amounts and follow the food concept = you don't eat the same type of food everyday, so don't take the same supplements everyday. NOTE that it's a SUPPLEMENT, so please don't spend tonnes of money on it. You don't need to spend your whole lifesavings to save someone's life, we just need to be smart about it and not get sweep up by commercials/sweet talk.

References:-
http://www.patient.co.uk/health/Chemotherapy.htm
http://www.cancernet.co.uk/chem-bep.htm
http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Cancertreatment/Treatmenttypes/Chemotherapy/Combinationregimen/BEP.aspx
http://www.tc-cancer.com/pdf/tc-chemo.pdf

Sucide = Selfish

Our not so close encounter with a sucide...

We were sitting in the train and all of a sudden the train stopped...in the middle of nowhere...
1st news: we don't know what happened, wait for the report.
2nd news: an accident occured.
3rd news: an asshole jumped out of a bridge into our train, on a sunny blue sky day...committed suicide.
4th news: we have to wait for the police and can't go anywhere.
5th news: it was a lady...she just walked onto the rails and sat down...waiting for the train to end her life.

One of the most unfortunate thing: our train driver got a shocked, it was his first time driving the train...with an experience driver sitting beside him to guide him...he couldn't drive the train after that...

How sad and inconsiderate the lady was...infact I may even say selfish!
Sad because she thinks that ending her life would end the misery...wait till she gets over the other side...
Inconsiderate and selfish because she didn't think about everyone else in the train and all the other people in the train station...everyone got delayed just because she felt like dying...not only delayed...but imagine if someone was delayed for a funeral of a loved one...or rushing back to see their dying parents...or a dad hurrying back to see his son's graduation...what about all these people? Who would sympathize for them? I am not heartless but SOME people think that the world revolves around them...that it's all about them...and when things don't go their way, life is not worth living anymore...

it is really time to grow up...

Sad because they didn't know any better...They didn't know that there are people who cares...

A fact: in this whole world, everyone of you....there's always somebody thinking about you...and there is at least one person who cares about you...

statute of liberty

One of the things that we did during our :) I found this toy up in the attic. It belongs to Pavel. His sister gave it to him but he didn't manage to solve it. So since I'm all too free, I decided to fix it =)

After a good few LOOOONNNGGGG hours (more than 24hours) and Pavel helped me out at the end, it is finished!! =D
It's not exactly a perfect fit though, as some of the parts don't really fit in too well..it's just basically styrofoam which adds to the 3D effect and holds when you piece it together. Had to use tape to hold it properly, if not it wouldn't have hold up. It's a piece to be admired from a far ;)

And now it sits nicely in our room, until it gathers dust and into the bin it goes~ haha I used to be sentimental about things/objects...but I changed..decided that things are not really worth the sentiment...only some...only some.

I've learned that there's always a season for everything and when the season's gone...it's no use holding on to it anymore. The print that's left will always be in memory and when it's important enough, the memory will be retrieved. Of course this thought too may be changed, in time to come.

As I grow and learn along the way, I'll gain a better perspective some way ;)

The Statute of Liberty, whereby at one time it did mean something to the people...

i won't give up

i find this song perfect for me to my darling =)

love the rhythm!

i have a liking for guitars - acoustics especially

life will not be taken by

life will be lived

~battling cancer & chemo TOGETHER~

2011 what a year!

so today's the last day of 2011
what a year it has been!
a superb wedding and an awesome husband
and a foreign land to call home
not forgetting the current battle against cancer and chemo
and the glimpse of reality of losing the love of my life
when life of togetherness has barely even begun!
what a year it has been!
to live in His constant grace and mercy
having His peace carrying us through
having felt the love and kindness
from family and friends all over the world =)
what a year it has been!

what a blessing to be able to hold on to faith and hope
to know that there's always Someone greater by my side
to be able to have people that I can count on and rally support
oh what a year it has been!

what a blessed life I have
to be able to cherish my one true love
to hold him and love him
to know that we are always in it together
the ups and downs will only bond us stronger
oh what a year it has been!

how amazing it is to live and taste the wonders of the world
the wonders of life itself
to come across so many wonderful people
to have them in my life
friends to cherish a lifetime
oh what a blessed life I have!

What a year 2011
What a year it has been... =)

The man of my life =)

butterflies

butterfly flutters all but only awhile
footprints imprinted
the rolling blue waves comes and go
every breath, life so precious
only the Creator understands
the answers to every Why
pearls created
life but a passing moment
love abides hope prevails

crossroads

crossroads lies ahead
take one and forgo the rest
life at it is

sometimes you wish you had taken the other road
sometimes you wish you could turn back
but once sojourned there's no turning back
only forward can you stride

the road less traveled
others praise it
others fear it
others are just simply not willing to take it

a road carved out
a road not taken
only a few
only a few takes it

Easdale, Scotland

my daddy

Hamburg, Germany

my daddy the man of my life
he showed me what a man should be like
he showed me what a man should live like
my daddy the man of my life

my daddy the man of my life
my world would never be complete without you
my world would cease to be a world without you
my daddy the man of my life

he gave me grace
and in return I gave grace
he gave me love
and in return I gave love

he taught me trust
he taught me hope
he believed in me
he inspired me

I trust and hope
I believed and inspire

you always wanted the best for me
you always wanted me to be safe
you would do whatever it takes to make sure my life is at the best you can offer
you would do whatever it takes to make sure my life has no ill fate

you made sense of what God is like

and my dear daddy would always be my daddy
and I would always be my daddy's girl

2:29am

edradour.scotland.

this will be my last blog ever written in the wee morning hours of my exam...

at long last...today shall be my last paper..
9:30am - 11:30am

the final of all finals....my uni life must come to an end...for a new chapter awaits

pray that I'll pass and graduate!!! I can't wait to get it all off my shoulders....3 and a half years flew pass but yet at the same time it crawled through the hours

hours of studying, hours of research work, hours of academic work

the same dilemma spans through the life of a student...we just wanna pass it and get it over with...for some nothing less than a distinction...for some like me...i just wanna get the cert and chuck it in a drawer...only use it and when I need to apply for some job~

i say i study hard..but others studied harder
i say i play hard..but others played harder
so i say stop comparing, i live my life the way i live it
and my fruits shall be my judge

my life is already secured
my future ordained
but yet hope the intangible
keeps me humble

it was by grace that i came this far
it shall be by grace that i finish
i cannot boast of my own
for i have nothing to boast of
only thing that i can boast of
would be that
God is good, all the time
and all the time, God is good

clearer skies...

Guy Fwakes 07

i once thought the skies were blue

i once thought the seas were blue



slowly but surely

the unknown revealed

out of the abundance of the heart

words are formed



things unseen

voices unheard

a journey travelled

a soul sojourn



the day started chilly

the clouds clouded

but as day came

clearer skies...

rhyming pimping

a shot from island of cumbrae

Gibberish perish fish
Trying to rhyme and mime
May not be the ideal plan
Not the slang in which I rhyme

Pure simple words
Pure simple thoughts
Uncluttering my mind
Emptying my thoughts

How easy life was
How simple it was meant to be
But it is still simple
It is still easy

Living on the high road
Living on the edge
Carefree and without worries
I was meant to be

Maybe there is something bigger
I knew it all along
But not just yet
But not just...

Putting down on paper
Placing for my eyes to read
Makes it less of a hassle
To store it all in the massive maze

3 millions years of data storage
Have you ever got lost?
Not in the living sense it is possible
Drifting into the unknown yet somehow it is known

Life with all its intricacies
Life with all its details
Syphoning yet storing
Once again

Once again I come to the conclusion
It is not meant to be
That is the right question.

broaden

the internet has definitely redefined the meaning of information sharing and circulation~

never in history have information been able to travel so quickly and so widely in just a short period of time...

*just doing some random typing..before I continue reading about genes and stuff*

anyway with information so readily available...it really opens up a whole new world of things...broadens our horizon...increases our knowledge...increase the number of perceptions known...

thoughts inspired by: (fwd email)
-carved from soap-

reflections

-josh groban: your song (moulin rouge)- playing on my laptop

Gamma camera schematic --> Drug Delivery System
Tue: exams commence

reflections off the glass window
memories forged
a picture to capture the moment

would this be it?


i hope you don't mind that i put it in words...*trails off*

extremities

today shall be my last day of staying up...not by choice but simply cause I need to hand up this dissertation (can't believe my bro actually turned the word into --> dessert tasting paper haha) on Fri so Thu which is today shall be my last...and I'm done with Uni assignments FOR LIFE!

i'd suppose i'm bound to miss it sometime...but not anytime soon XD

extremities in life are never good...you're tipping the balance...and in life there must always be a balance...eat too much of carrots and you'll turn yellow...

today or rather yesterday (today to me..becoz as long as i haven't sleep the day is not complete) I've got quite a few enquiries...
some were anticipated
some were shocking
some were so-so
some were more than welcomed

within 3 days 2 extremities landed...
it's true what my pastor told me, life is simple when you just follow God's way..it only gets complicated when you want your way

ahh i know how complicated life can be...or so it appears and feels...been there, done that...and after having a tug-of-war...it's best to just do it God's way =)

there are lots of things that i don't know in life...but it's always the simplicity in it that i enjoy most =)

having a laugh with a wacky buddy in which you know you won't recall what was the laughter all about
seeing someone smile at you
seeing a baby laugh because you made him/her laugh
saying whoo hooo
being with buddies
being with family
and etc etc etc (i can't think up of anything for now..haha)

oh btw I got my new watch!!! whooo hoooo
Fossil =D
the one I've eyed and like
dark brown leather..super cool ..haha
post up a picture next time ^^
btw much appreciated Al for driving me there haha

sacrifice